A Catch Up…

So I haven’t written for a while…

About two weeks?!

I haven’t forgotten you all I promise!

I’ve just been a bit…blergh?

I don’t know. I keep having moments where I seriously consider the point of life. Not in a suicidal way, but in a way that always has me thinking of my purpose here.

Why do I wake each morning doing what I do?

What does it ultimately lead to in the grand scheme of things?

How does my life affect those around me?

Why do my actions matter so much?

What is this all for?

That’s just a few questions that circle my mind.

I’ve been getting better with these ‘moods’.

For example about six weeks ago I was holding a pity party for one and pondering these questions and basically making myself a victim. I was FULLY aware of doing this and FULLY aware of the funk I was in, and yet I kind of enjoyed it.

I must be one of the few people who actually loves wallowing in my negative emotions. This has only become a thing I do very recently. Years ago I would thoroughly avoid having contact with ANY emotion.

My friends at school and college knew me as the ‘unemotional’ and ‘detached’ friend. I’m still detached, but in a healthier way. And I’m doing better with being more emotional. Well, to be clear, I’m getting better at showing emotion. For some reason I have real issues showing I’m happy…but if I’m in a mood…well, I have absolutely no issues letting the world know that!

The strange this is that between the ages of 3-7 (possibly a bit later than that) I cried at EVERYTHING. Someone only had to look at me and I’d cry. I was that child who cried for no reason. I would literally have no idea why I was crying. I still have no idea.

Anyway, perhaps years of emotional rigidity is the reason why my resting face is better referred to as “chronic bitch face”. Although that doesn’t stop strangers coming up to me in the street and telling me their life stories or saying random things…take it where it comes eh?!

I guess my recurring ‘funk’ is a very persistent friend who won’t leave me alone until I actually open the gates and allow the flood of pent up emotion pour forth.

Honestly, I’ve held back from doing this because I’m scared of what might actually happen.

What will I feel?

Will I have a full on breakdown?!

Will I actually feel nothing?

Will I feel EVERYTHING?

What long forgotten issue is going to come up?

Also, I have no idea how to actually be at one with these feelings. I find I’m asking myself: “Am I feeling sad the ‘right’ way? If I recognise this feeling now will it never return again?”

Of course I know it’s going to return again, but it’s not going to feel the same as it did in that moment. Each moment is new, and each moment we’re growing and evolving, so I can only assume that the next time I feel this feeling it won’t hurt any less or any more, but I will be more AWARE of it. This means that I can deal with it by allowing myself to totally FEEL the emotion. This is, after all, part of why we’re human. It’s a part of being human.

We shouldn’t be scared of ourselves and how we feel, but we are. We don’t want to hurt anyone else so we pretend to feel how everyone feels because that’s emotion ‘done properly’.

For example I know people who have been through a lot in their lives, but they always ‘put a brave face on’. Why is it such a bad thing for us to show some emotional vulnerability? We know our loved one/close friend is hurting, and yet we are afraid to welcome their sorrow, anger, anxiety into our lives for fear it might leak into our bubble and taint it somehow. Or perhaps we’re afraid because it may bring up our past sorrows. Maybe our loved ones don’t feel comfortable showing a high level of negative emotion because they don’t want to be a burden, or ruin our day etc.

A lot of people say things like this not realising that it’s better out than in because it starts to manifest as something else – for example some believe (myself included) that certain illnesses can occur because of unresolved emotional pain.

Obviously not everyone reacts with such a stiff upper lip toward emotions – perhaps I see it this way because us Brits have been brought up this way, although I must say it’s not as bad as it used to be – but it’s sad that we can’t be ourselves completely around those we love and care about. We seem quite content to show them our feeling of extreme happiness (unless you’re me…haha!), but to allow someone to see our feelings of extreme unhappiness with no filter? Well…that’s unheard of!

I do understand the element of privacy here. I’m a pretty private person myself and somewhat aloof regarding the details of my life, especially concerning my emotions. But again, this is due to fear of how others would react. When I was young I would react to something however I pleased. A teacher once asked me to read out loud to her. I didn’t want to because I prefer reading in my head. She kept trying to make me read out loud so I kicked her in the shin and ran outside and wouldn’t come back in until I was allowed to never read out loud to a teacher again. It worked, but let’s just say my mum wasn’t happy about my behaviour!

To be honest something happened to make me feel as though burying ALL emotion was the best way forward, and now I’m trying to figure out how to let it all out and how to let it all go in a healthy way (and what this ‘something’ was.)

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I guess I don’t see why showing emotion has to be uncomfortable, or regarded as ‘weak’ or ‘pathetic’ behaviour. We need to get comfortable with ourselves again!

Normally people recommend meditation, and usually I would too, but meditation doesn’t seem the way forward with this issue. Not for me anyway. It’s something I use to calm down and to zen-out, but I can’t seem to meditate on letting emotions go particularly if I’m not actively feeling the emotion.

For example anger is my main negative emotional problem – I’m very good at controlling it and burying it, but not so great at letting it out and dealing with it. I’d prefer to physically perform an exercise that lets the anger out, but I have no idea where to do that or how to do that. I’d literally need someone to push those buttons and force the anger outside of me.

Anyone know of a therapist who also happens to be a boxing instructor?!

For now I’m going to let these ‘funks’ run their course, try and be mindful of how I’m feeling, and focus on learning something about myself and how my emotions work.

Not my usual type of post (and also all of the place – perhaps a representation of my mind at the moment?!), but I hope you got something from it!

I am working on some interesting articles, but it requires research and further reading so I need to stop being a lazy shit, pull my finger out and GET TO IT!

Be happy. Be you.

One thought on “A Catch Up…

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  1. The flipside to getting outside (or inside) and doing all that spiritual work is that it actually feels very nice and cosy to feel sorry for ourselves, to feel depressed and to be lazy. I think it’s all OK. I know that my negative feelings are the precursor to a period of growth, because my subconscious has already started the ball rolling and outgrowing certain aspects of my self that no longer fit. Keep feeling!

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