I’m sorry I haven’t been posting frequently lately. It seemed natural to take a short unplanned hiatus for a couple of weeks. As you can probably guess my head has been all the over place. This will be a brief insight and catch-up to what’s been happening and then ‘normal’ posting will proceed shortly!
Before Christmas I was strongly considering leaving my current job as a live-in carer because honestly, I really am not enjoying myself or getting anything back from it. I really thought about it for months because it not only affects my life, it affects Maria’s* too.
I am proud to say that I took that scary step and handed my notice in. I don’t have a job to go into (though I do have an interview at the end of the month to be a Health Care Assistant in a hospital), but I will have a roof over my head (I’m not really sure my mum’s quite happy about that one…!).
Six weeks ago doing something as drastic as handing my notice in and not having another job to go into would’ve filled me with panic and dread, but as it happened, it felt right. It felt good. I actually felt excited! And then my mind filled with all the possibilities! Just think of all the things I could do!!
And then of course the doubts crept in…I’d like to blame the feelings on the time of year with it being Christmas and New Year. It’s a time of year that somehow has us all reminiscing about what we’ve NOT achieved. New Year’s is the worst. It’s a day when regrets suddenly feel that little bit more powerful and cut into you more deeply then you thought they ever could. Usually the thought “another year wasted” fleetingly flies through your mind and you brush it away with promises to make the next year “count”, fill your glass back up and toast to what a wonderful year it’s been. I did exactly this and then the panic started.
Don’t get me wrong – I was super happy about handing my notice in – but then I started to over think.
That’s my problem. THINKING. I do TOO MUCH of it, and where does it get me? Confused, tired, emotional and downright depressed.
When I started to think I started to compare myself to my friends and ask myself waaaay too many questions: What exactly have I ACHIEVED with my life? Am I doing something beneficial to myself, but also to others? Am I helping? Am I being creative? Am I living? Am I happy? How can I be happy? How can I get a job doing what I love? Do my educational achievements really mean anything? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life working? Why does everyone else seem to have it figured out and I’m here drowning in uncertainty, comparison and frustration? And why am I back at this point again? Am I having a quarter-life crisis? What the f**k am I actually doing here? Can someone please provide me with a road map of my life?
My brain nearly suffered burn-out that week.
These thoughts constantly circled my mind. Anyone who over thinks like I do will recognise this tumultuous pattern of destruction. Eventually you exhaust your brain into submission and you get some respite, but overall it’s frustrating and not particularly helpful.
I have a friend who’s started her own business, another friend who’s about to do her nursing qualification, another who has a happy family; I see people around me who are successful every day and it’s so hard to be proud of any achievement I have because I don’t feel like it’s got me anywhere.
Career-wise I’m still floundering a bit. I know what I want to do, but with regards to getting it? Well, I’m still a bit stuck.
That was my main issue around New Year: what am I going to spend the rest of my life doing? I admittedly had a slight panic about it. I was very close to have a mini breakdown. I kept telling myself “Go with the flow”, “If it’s meant to be happen, it will happen”. I slowly started to calm down, but only a tiny bit.
Excellent news came to me.
Excellent news usually comes to me when I remind myself to relax into life and let it do its thing. I must admit it has made things a little easier to think “If it’s in my best interests and part of the Divine plan then it will happen.”
Back in October I applied for an unpaid writing job for a spiritual website called Earth. We Are One. They were looking for people to write for a new website they were starting up and it was going to be a sister site to their current one. I’d seen the advert twice in one morning without even actively going on the website, so I figured “You know what? I’ve got nothing to lose. I’ll apply. It’s clearly a sign from the universe.”
So I applied.
I didn’t hear anything for a while, and if I’m honest I forgot and figured they had chosen who they wanted.
Then about a week ago I received an email saying that they would like me to write for them and they really resonated with my essence and my style!
Well you can imagine how excited I was! They picked me!! For writing!!! For doing what I love!!!
I’ve yet to start posting on the website – I think they’re still completing the finishing touches, but it’s going to be so exciting and amazing to be actually writing for a website I really connect with and whose articles I enjoy reading!
That is pretty much why I’ve not been posting as frequently lately. I’ve been taking leaps of faith, reminding myself to go with the flow and to stop comparing and putting pressure on myself. I’ve actively been trying to change my life, and discovered that the zen proverb “Practice not-doing and everything will fall into place” (Lao Tzu) to be so very true.
I think it’s important for us to remind ourselves that “not-doing” isn’t being lazy. It’s allowing our mind and body a chance to rest and recuperate. It’s allowing the universe to get things done and to deliver all we need without us trying to control and interfere with it. It helps our lives become all that we want it to be.
Here’s an interesting article called The Lazy Manifesto: Do Less. Then, Do Even Less. Leo Babauta gives some tips on how to be lazy and how to feel guilt-free about it! I highly recommend reading his other posts too – they’re simple, to the point and very informative!
So, if you’re going to do one thing this week I would suggest you do less. Follow the tips in Leo’s article and watch everything work itself out.
Picture: Higher Perspective
Be happy. Be you.