So, I’m trying this thing at the moment: releasing the need to control everything.
I never really saw myself as a control freak. Then I started care work and it became apparent I have issues. I like doing things my way because I think it’s more efficient and I can do it right. Major ego-trip at work here. I have learned that people also like things done their own way and when there’s a conflict of control, that creates some tension. And at some point, someone has to give.
Most of the time I give in because I’m not the biggest fan of conflict – I think this might be an insight into why I feel the need to control everything. I have a natural mediating skill and can diffuse most situations with humour and reminding people of the positives. So I think that by controlling everything I can improve the situation and avert arguments.
Except I’m not. I’m not flowing with life; I’m forcing it to work my way.
I’ve mentioned Maria* before (the girl I care for) and she is a definite reminder that I have not yet mastered myself. I never realised what a control freak I was (I told my friend this and she laughed and pulled that “duuh!” kinda face.) It’s so hard not to stop Maria from making mistakes. There are also other issues – Maria doesn’t seem to understand how her tone of voice affects what she actually says and can come across as rude and snobby. My higher-self is like “That’s who she is. Let it go. Flow with the situation.” Then the control freak comes out: “She CANNOT talk to people like that! How rude! I must tell her that she needs to change how she speaks to people!”
The control freak usually wins.
Who am I to change the way she speaks to people? She is who she is and it’s her lesson to learn in good time, and if that person gets offended then that’s their karma. Unless of course she’s totally and utterly rude then I’ll have to remind her to think before she speaks. (I have a thing about people being disrespectful…more issues!)
My ego is making itself SO apparent this week! I’m finding fault with everything, which means there’s a fault within me I’ve yet to acknowledge, or at least let go of. It’s hard, but I am DETERMINED to find it and let go of it.
So you can see how my thought pattern works. It’s a constant conflict of ego vs higher-self. The higher-self is becoming more prominent, but my ego is putting up a damn good fight.
I am grateful that I am actually aware of my ego now. When I find the ego rearing its head I repeat an affirmation in my head. This week my affirmation has been: “I release the need to control everything. I allow the universe to flow and work through me.” I’ve also been asking myself “Does this serve the highest good?” before I do anything as a reminder to be better than I was yesterday, and also to make me think of what actually matters.
This journey of relinquishing control has made me realise the paradox of the situation, and it’s a situation only a control freak can get into: I’m trying to control not being in control.
And as this realisation dawned on me, a quote from Titanic popped into my head.
Jack: “I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I’ve got the air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s gonna happen or, who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge, and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people.
I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.”
And then I realised something else: I already have everything I need. Everything will come in good time when it’s meant to, and in trying to control everything I’m forgetting that I’m ALIVE and that there is a life going on, why am I wasting energy by trying to control the outcome?!
I think we all become so caught up in what the outcome is going to be that we forget to enjoy the process in getting there.
So let’s take a leaf out of Jack Dawson’s book and take life as it comes at us. Let’s not worry about the outcome – just trust there will be one.
And most of all, let’s realise we already have everything we need.
Be happy. Be you.