Personally, making changes is a challenge for me. Sometimes I think it’s near on impossible, but I’m still learning. This is why I thought that sharing my experience of the constant flux of emotions regarding this particular challenge in my life may bring hope, answers and a sense of community if people know they’re not alone in this daily struggle.
We all reach a point in our life when we feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied and downright bloody bored of life. I usually encounter boredom on a daily basis and dissatisfaction (usually with a job) on a yearly basis. Obviously something isn’t working for me and I know I need to change it, but what’s the first thing I do?
That’s right: fall into a pit of hopelessness, confusion, frustration and then I throw myself a little pity party (complete with cake of course).
This pit can take a while to climb out of, and in my experience this is because we rarely notice that we’re surrounded by this pit. Our egos have a mighty fine way of distracting us from ourselves and our true feelings, which means we brush it under the rug and shrug off the feelings of hopelessness as “just one of those days”.
Except those days turn into weeks and those weeks turn into months, and before you know it you’re plodding along on autopilot and unable to remember the last time you belly-laughed. Moments of realisation like this can feel soul destroying. They’re not, but they are a wake-up call; a metaphorical shaking up to get you to make a change and to realise you have the power to make those changes.
But before you can even bring yourself to think that you could be one of those lucky ones where life rains down abundance and happiness you go through what I’d call a “complacency” phase. A small part of you feels that you can make those changes, but instead of using the ladder given to you to climb out of your pit, you’re waiting at the bottom staring up at daylight above waiting for someone to come and save you.
Then one day, like magic, you realise: “Shit. I have to actually take some responsibility for my life. I have to climb up the ladder myself.” I myself have reached this conclusion many times and I’ve still been stuck at the bottom waiting for life to send something to help me.
But life would never send anything or anyone.
I’ve had moments of despair wondering why life had deemed me ‘unworthy’ to be rescued from this boring, dark and dismal pit.
Then I realised that it wasn’t life that had deemed me unworthy; I had deemed me unworthy!
I didn’t believe I was deserving of happiness, abundance, a life that was more suited to me and my particular goals – both personally and career-wise. If I thought myself unworthy then life was going to send me things on that level.
The moment I realised that I was deserving and worthy and became willing to make a change and change my perspective, then life would send me situations that reflects these thoughts. From there I could move higher and higher into alignment with the universe.
The moment you tell yourself you’re willing to change, the universe changes with you and accommodates that change. It’s up to you to fully embrace and welcome this new life you’ve created. I have reached this stage once, and the improvements in my life were amazing and everything I had listed that I wanted, happened. But me being me, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I got bored and complacent with my life again. I’m a person who thrives on constant stimulation, constant change, meeting new people, developing new ideas and helping others.
At the moment my life has taken a fresh nose-dive into a stagnating shit-pit. So, again, I find myself at the bottom of another ladder, and despite my previous experience, I’m looking up at the light all hopeful that life will throw a helping hand my way and all the while knowing that life will show me my own hand. I’ve been staring at my hand for some time now waiting for it to grip the ladder, and in writing this I believe my hand has finally gripped.
However, before my hand finally got a grip I went through another phase: daydreaming.
This is the worst one for me. I get stuck daydreaming about anything and everything that it’s no wonder I find reality so boring; the life in my head is far more exhilarating which makes it all the harder to get out of it. This frequent need to daydream causes me to lose focus on reality.
I dream big, but often forget to dream of the steps that will lead me to where I want to be. I forget to build the bridge across the river and assume I can jump straight into my desired outcome without building a steady, strong foundation for myself.
The result? More confusion and continuous bouts of indecision regarding my future.
The result of this? I’m distracted and instead of my attention being focused on the present and any potential opportunities coming my way, I’m wasting valuable energy on a future that hasn’t even happened yet.
It’s at this point that life likes to throw in a handy and somewhat shocking reality check. Don’t get me wrong, this reality check is needed, but its arrival could be a little more polite and not so bull-in-a-china-shop. Although if you’re anything like me you need a slap in the face and not a meagre little tickle to get you to face life.
Now you’re forced to view life from a realistic perspective. It’s not life’s way of saying “you can’t make it because life works like this”, it’s life’s way of showing you what is really out there and how you can utilise these situations to make the changes you want in your life. It’s a reminder that you can change your reality; but first you must change the way you think so life can give you your much needed lemons.
Here are my reasons why I’m stuck in a stagnating shit pit of life. As I mentioned earlier I like constant stimulation. I like to do things. Currently I am a live-in carer for a disabled 20 year old at university, and while I get satisfaction knowing I’m helping to improve someone’s life, there is no room for career development, and to be honest, I’m not spending my whole life doing care work. My abilities are wasted on one person and I have so much more that I want to give.
This job has been the best job I’ve had because I’m financially stable and I get a lot of time to myself. There have been opportunities that this job has given me and I’m eternally grateful for that. However, I need to live my life by Maria’s* preferences and on her time. This means should an interesting event come up that I want to go to, I can’t go unless Maria goes too (we do not have the same interests) or unless she’s gone home for the weekend. This can be a bummer if I let it, but I focus on what the job does give me and this shift in perspective encourages me to see that my irritation is trivial and meaningless.
I have come to realise that now it’s time to focus on myself. Typically feelings of guilt are making themselves known because I feel selfish, but honestly? I know I don’t need to feel selfish. If I stayed with Maria for the next few years (I’m staying one more year) then I’d be miserable, bored, unfulfilled and restless and that would not be helpful to anyone.
I’ve spent a large part of my life worrying about other people, looking after them and worrying about their opinion of me, and I’m tired of doing that.
Now is my time.
I want to live my life not giving a fucking shit about what anyone else thinks – they’re going to think it anyway, why waste time and energy worrying about it?
Only through helping myself can I help others, and that is what I really want from my life. I want to enable people to become the best version of themselves and to feel absolutely amazing about who they are. For me to do that I have to feel that way about myself and that means taking control, changing my reality and creating my world.
Having to put my life on hold to help Maria live hers suited me perfectly for the first year, but a few weeks ago I allowed myself to dream bigger than usual. This may have been because I spent a month in Thailand and realised what the world offers. Then came along the seemingly far-fetched ideas and the realisation of what I actually wanted from life.
And from that?
Feelings of restlessness and yearning arose. Gone were the feelings of contentment and peace, and ‘hello!’ to everything now floating up in the air and me having moments of despair and panic.
Everyday I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.
Am I on the right path?
What do I actually want from life?
Why don’t I know anything?
Why all of a sudden do I feel like I’ve been stumbling through life not really having any clue what the fuck I’m doing?
So that’s how I’ve come to find myself in this situation. Many of you will have had similar experiences and much bigger obstacles to face, but we must all remember that these moments are life-changing: we’re being a given a chance to take responsibility for ourselves, and most importantly to be the creators of our lives.
So, for today, just grip that ladder by writing down your intentions.
What do you want from your personal life? A romantic relationship? A new group of friends? A new job?
Write them down and list the specifics.
For example: “I want a romantic relationship with a partner who is loving, caring, fun, adventurous” etc. Don’t worry if your list seems long (mine’s huge!), and don’t feel guilty about asking for what you may think is ‘too much’. It’s never too much. It’s what you deserve.
Once you’ve set the intentions, find a quiet space and imagine already having what you’ve asked for. Focus on how it makes you feel. Stay with this feeling and if you have moments of hopelessness remember that feeling. Do this every day and feel yourself reaching the top of that ladder.
Next, try and do something to actively bring what you want into your life; in other words: put yourself out there. Say ‘yes’ to invitations, apply for that job, smile at the cute guy in the coffee shop. These actions signal to the universe that you’re willing to change and it will bring more positive experiences into your life that will aid you onto becoming the best version of yourself.
It will take work. This is simple, but it’s not easy. Trust in yourself and the universe to give you what you’ve asked for, and please, please don’t put any pressure on yourself or worry. Relax, go with flow and let life bring you brilliance because you are brilliant!
As Wayne Dyer says: “be the change you want to see”.
Don’t give up because the sun is always shining. Smile every day and every day will give you something to smile about!
Be happy. Be you.